One Little Word...

Not sure if you have heard of this concept or not. I just heard about it today, but have actually been thinking about it for much longer. What is my word going to be for 2011?

As I reflect on all that has happened in 2010, I have to wonder if I was up to the growth? Did I take the challenges and learn from them? Did I learn what I was supposed to? Of course there are always regrets and I have plenty of experiences that I can think of where I don't feel like I became what I was supposed to. Or I rose to the occasion as I was experiencing it, but now after the fact, resort back to my old ways. So as I have thought about what I wanted to be this year, things that I want to happen this year I often wonder, "What will I go through this year?"

A good friend of ours put this idea into my head: If you are the same as you were last year, if you keep going and doing the same things you have always done, then you are not going to be strong enough for what is coming and what you'll have to face. I feel like this year, I did stretch myself in some aspects, but I'm afraid that it was not the most important things, like relationships; my relationship with my husband, my family, myself, and my God. I didn't focus on what really matters.

This year I feel like I gave into to many things. I gave into self-pitty over strength. I gave into laziness over hard work. I gave into weakness over determination. I gave into anger over self-control. I gave into fear over faith. I gave into pride over charity.

I had been milling over ideas of what I wanted to be this year, I kind of had it figured out before I even heard of the idea of picking a word. It was really my husband that gave me this word. While he may not have many emotions, he is ever the eternal optimist. He says that it is easier to live that way. I, however, continue to resort to my "realist" ( okay maybe somewhat pessimistic) attitude even after being married to this man almost 5 years. As we were jobless, and it seemed like he would never finish at school, and as we continue to struggle with this trial, even after all that I have learned, it is Richard who keeps me anchored and sane (you know besides the times that he is driving me insane). "I am not worried about it. I know it's going to happen because I have hope that it will happen. I just don't think about it. We are doing everything we can. We're going to figure it out. Don't give up, we won't ever give up. Just have hope." This is what he tells me as I lay in bed crying. This is what I try to think of as I fight the urge to crawl into a corner every three weeks and breakdown and give up.

Hope. Hope in my Savior, that he does know what I'm going through, even when others don't. Hope that I can stick with things. Hope that I am becoming what I am supposed to be. Hope that I will do the things that will strengthen me and prove to God that I can handle the trials and blessings that He gives me. Hope in promised blessings, commandments, and covenants. Hope that God knows what I need and when I need it. Hope that I can have direction in my life. Hope over fear, anguish, jealousy, and feeling defeated.

So throughout this year as I move again, as I am far away from family again, as we start our "real life" again, I will chose to have hope. As Elder Wirthlin said , "Come what may, and love it." And luckily, I live with my constant reminder.

It's Official!

Sorry to make you all wait so long, but I didn't want to eat my words. We were just waiting on a background check to come through. Good thing that it turned out right or my Christmas cards would have been a little awkward! But it is official, we know where we are going, sometime after the first of the year. I will give you a few picture hints of where we are moving to and what job he has accepted.

Did you guess yet? Richard will be working in the Research and Development center for Caterpillar, Inc. Isn't it every little boy's dream to play with big machines and trucks all day? So we will be moving to Peoria, IL after the first of the year.

So to recap, things we are excited for:

• A job!
• Living in the Nauvoo Temple district
• Health Insurance
• Getting one year closer to buying a house
• Richard getting his dream job
• Living in a small town
  

Not as excited about:

• not living near any family
• SNOW and COLD!

Aren't you excited for us? Even if you're not, I sure am! But you can appease me and pretend you're just as excited as me! Now, to find somewhere to live...

Win a Quilt!

Go to Pink Fig Design to win a super cute quilt. Just click on the link and check it out. Some super cute stuff on this blog!

Drum roll please...

And the job he chose... where we will be living soon (hopefully!)...

You'll just have to wait to find out!

I found another cute blog! And they are having a giveaway right now. This is what I want to win!

I waited all week...

Remember when you were like 9 and your parents seemed to be so excited for Conference Weekend, and all you could think was...Why? Why?! I get it now. Well I've gotten it for a while now, but I never really told anybody. I was so excited all week to have conference. I really felt like it was going to be a very special conference, where I would hear things that would answer some of my questions. I wasn't able to fully enjoy last conference due to some painful medical and emotional stuff, but I was determined to make this conference count.

I knew it was going to be good if they were letting Elder Holland speak first (I think I'll name one of my kids after him, I just love him). And from there it just kept getting better and better! I kept hearing things that I know I needed to hear. With everything in my life up in the air right now, I felt like I needed something to ground me a little bit and bring me back to what was the most important. I found that in so many talks, but especially in Elder Holland's talk, President Uchtdorf's talk on simplifying, Elder Scott's talk, President Monson's talk on Gratitude, and Elder Bednar's talk. These were talks to Avalon, where I felt like someone was telling me, "Avalon, this is what I have been trying to tell you."

I have started trying to do some things differently in my life with all of my new found free time. I am really trying to resist the urge to just keep saying, "well I will wait to do that until I know what is going on in the next couple months" which seems to be my answer for everything right now. So through these talks I know what I need to be working on and doing better and what I need to be realizing and emphasizing in my life.

I am so grateful to have the gospel in my life. It seems like I need a wake up call every couple of days, or weeks, or months, but I know that I am loved by my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know that they know what I am going through and that they have it figured out. I know that we have a living prophet on the earth and I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful for this past conference weekend and that it gave me a push in the right direction.

I am a finalist! I entered a photo contest on a blog and I am in the finals! I could get a year subscription to Country Living people! Vote for me here! Here is the picture that I posted, pretty dang good if I say so myself! Did I mention vote for me?

Insomniacs Mental Theater

(oh lovely bed that used to bring me so much joy and comfort)

In the last several weeks, well since we moved really, me and the regular sleeping...not getting along so well. Which is really strange because we live in a perfect deep, pitch black, cool and windowless room of sleeping wonderfulness (thanks again Sarah and Ryan for sharing your house!:) I mean seriously, when we lived in a hotel for two months in Bakersfield, CA, we had awesome black out curtains and I vowed that one day I would own black out curtains to make the ultimate sleeping cave!

Now this is not the first time that I have suffered from insomnia. No, my first bought with it started in 4th grade and lasted for a couple years. Then in college it returned, not happening as often, but still often enough to be annoying! While I was teaching, I would most often fall asleep 2 seconds after Richard kissed me goodnight! And while I am a night owl, this is just ridiculous!

So last night as I lay awake until around 4am, I decided that I would post what is usually going on for those hours of not sleeping! And here are the thoughts that sometimes ramble through my head:

• Why can't I sleep? I mean seriously I love it probably more than anything, possibly even my husband if we're being honest! Avalon, go to sleep, go to sleep, just fall asleep...Then again I really have nothing to do tomorrow, so what's the point?
  
• Seriously, why is Richard snoring so loud (not actually that loud), Oh my gosh does he have a deviated septum or something...what is the deal! (in his defense, I sound about as delicate as a warthog with my sleep breathing)
• Man, do I seriously have to go to the bathroom again?! I know that I am not drinking enough water to actually necessitate this...
• I feel that right now my life doesn't seem to have "...meaning, purpose, and direction." I mean I don't have a job, I don't have kids, I live in someone else's basement, I have no idea where I will be living in a couple of weeks, let alone a couple of months...
  
• Oh man, now I feel guilty for thinking that when I know every time I read those words in context, I know it's true. And I know that everything will work out...I am always blessed way more than I deserve, so why can't I just have faith that even though I don't know the plan, He does...
  
• I bet there are spiders that are probably crawling all over our walls right now, and dropping down from the ceiling, and if they crawl on our bed and face I don't want to know...what if they land in my hair and go under my scalp like that nasty episode of "Untold stories of the ER"!!!!
  
• Now I feel guilty for complaining about something so little when Sarah and Ryan have been so nice to let us live here without knowing when we will leave...
• Oh my gosh, seriously...again? Why do I have to get up and go again? I don't have to get up this often when I sleep...
• (Look at the alarm clock) Uh, if I don't fall asleep soon, then I won't sleep for three solid hours before I have to wake up and take my basal temp, and then the results will be skewed and I'll never have enough information to show the doctor, and the vicious cycle will continue on for years and years...
• I wonder if Richard would notice the huge light beam if I turned on the computer monitor and played mahjong???
• I wonder how I'll feel when Sarah and Kerry have their babies...I think about losses that I have experienced
• Man, I am going to be such a horrible, impatient, and mean mother compared to my sister-in-law...She is always so calm and loving towards her kids
  
• What will it be like to actually live somewhere, like for a while and knowing that I won't have to move again in like two years...maybe I could actually make friends...We could buy a house...oh man that will take away all of our money that we have saved so long, but it will be a house, oh but our savings...Maybe we could find a a really nice house for very cheap, then we wouldn't have to spend all of our money. Oh Avalon, stop being so cheap!
  
• I think about all of the struggles that I had with some of my old students, and how I let them down, or lost my patience everyday, and what I should have done better to try and help them

So here is to turning off my brain, and hopefully reconnecting with an old flame...my wonderful, comfortable bed!

Just when we started to like it...well for the most part!

We moved out of Atlanta this week. We lived in Midtown Atlanta for 2 years and it is the longest we have ever lived in one place since we have been married. Thanks Sarah and Ryan for letting us live in your spacious basement for an undetermined amount of time and for feeding us the last few days while we still get our junk together! We ordered the hot plate and washing tub today (just kidding!)Richard is finishing up his project/thesis and should be done at the end of August! We needed to move because our housing lease was up, our rent was increased again and we just love Sarah and Ryan and their family so much that we couldn't wait to be with them all the time! Oh yeah, and we were so done paying $1200 a month to live in 500 square feet.

While both Richard and I were not initially the biggest fans of living in midtown Atlanta, we have to admit that it started to grow on us in the last several months. While we will not miss the noise, all of the lights, a lot of one-way streets, the smells of people cooking (especially when it was fish!), paying to park, being afraid of getting shot, stabbed, and/or robbed while getting our mail, and of course the rent, here are a few things that we will miss about living in Atlanta, right in the middle of everything! These things are in no particular order, but things that we loved or eventually loved!

IKEA - Well living 5 minutes from IKEA. This is more something that I miss more than Richard. I love to go there and just look around;Richard hates it! But living in such a small space with a ton of junk already, I didn't buy a lot there. I know it sounds really stupid, but it was so nice just being able to look around and think about what it would be like to live in a house one day! The Views- Living in downtown (well really Midtown, but you know...) does have some perks. Everyone comes to you. If you work outside of the city, commuting traffic is not that bad; just ask me I did it for, two years! But I do have to admit that we had some nice views to look at. Like this view of the skyline (without zooming) from the hallway by the elevator. Or this little view of our courtyard from our windows (I like trees).









Or the Midtown skyline at night!









Eating! We both enjoy eating...a lot. As there are not a lot of chain resturants in the Midtown area, we had to branch out and find some local spots...and a few chain spots as well! Some of our favorite places to eat were: Tin Drum (so yummy!). Jimmy Johns, Figo's, and many others! As for The Varsity, lets just say that if you go one time to say that you went, you're not going to be missing out on anything by not going back. Although, they do have pretty good onion rings.

Braves Baseball- We went to the Braves games several times since it was only about a 10 minute drive, in traffic, to get to the field! Richard has always been a huge Braves fan, and we both just like going to a baseball game whether it is little league or Turner Field!

• 
• Big huge windows- I will for sure miss these big huge windows that gave us so much natural light and our raised ceilings that made our apartment seem much bigger than it actually was. Thank heaven for living on the top floor!

Our Ward- I am going to be very honest and tell you that we were not very excited to be in our ward for a while. It seemed very overwhelming to us and that there seemed to be so many people that needed help and not enough people to do all of the work, and that nothing would ever change. Being in an inner-city ward is an experience like none other. And while it is so different than any other ward we have ever been in, it is still amazing to me how much the gospel changes individuals, families, and communities and how the church is still true no matter where you are. Many nights we have talked about our amazing Bishop and just how much responsibility he has, only being maybe 2 years older than Richard and having a wife and three boys to take care of on top of this little ward. You can see their family on the new Mormon.org adds here.

But I would say that within the last year of us living there, we both decided that we needed to stop feeling overwhelmed or whatever it was we were feeling and just get to work. We needed to do everything we could to help our ward grow and be stronger, and for us to be a part of it. And I can testify to you that while the ward did change a little and things seemed to improve, it had nothing to do with us and in fact that we were the more blessed party out of that change in attitude. We have had the opportunity to see some pretty crazy stuff in this ward, which has been interesting. But we have also seen how people come to accept the gospel and join in helping others to grow as well. There are so many great people in that ward that we will always remember. We will definitely never forget our time in the Atlanta Ward!

Family- We have loved living so close to Sarah and Ryan, only being 3 hours drive to Richard's parent's house, and a 2 hour drive from there to my brother's house in Charlotte, NC! We have had so much fun being around family again and being able to do Thanksgiving and Christmas and long weekends with our family. While sometimes I get sad about being far away from the rest of my family and missing out on all of the baby blessings and baptisms and ordinations, I am so blessed to be a part of Richard's family and that they make it so easy to be a part of their family. I feel so comfortable around them and if we were to move away from them, I would have the same feelings of missing out that I do with my own family.

So now our 4th move in 4 years is complete...kind of. I promise that we will not live with you for the rest of our lives, Sarah and Ryan. As we got closer to moving, and the boxes were stacking up, and my stress level was rising, Richard would say, "Thanks for always following me around on all of my crazy adventures!" And we have had some adventures for sure. But now we are trying to figure out the next big adventure. We are glad that we were able to have this time in Atlanta, and that it did finally start to grow on us. Here is to hoping that we will grow and learn just as much on our next adventure.

Waiting Game

I find myself with some time, or rather not wanting to do any school work, so here's an update. For the second weekend in a row, I am without a husband. Last week he spent time with his brother Robert and his family. He had a free ticket, it was spring break, so I told him to go and have fun. This weekend, he is off camping it up with the young men/scouts over in South Carolina. Thus I have time.

We have been in Atlanta now for almost 2 years, the longest we have ever lived in one place since we have been married. But Richard will be done with school soon and I'm starting to have flashbacks of my senior year of college. I had a daily planner that I had my life written down in. Every day of every month had some assignment or appointment or lesson plan idea in it, up to April when we graduated. About 2 months before we graduated, I just remember flipping through the pages and looking at May; open blank May, and suppressing a panic attack. Now I like to think I have matured some in my faith and understanding (maybe a little?) and I haven't had a panic attack yet about anything. But I think that is because it's not real to me yet. Maybe because I have so much going on at work and I know that I will have a job until the end of May. Richard has been applying to jobs and working hard, but he hasn't heard anything back yet. So now we flip through the calendar and turn to June and July and say ,"Now what?" While at my little brother's wedding, this seemed to be a wonderful topic to discuss with some of my family members and they wondered, "What are you going to do? You don't have a plan?"

But you know, like I said before, I haven't had a panic attack yet. Sure I think about it and I know that we need to have some sort of plan (and we have come up with some contingency plans, etc.), but I honestly feel like Heavenly Father knows what we need and we are trying to live worthy of blessings from Him and I know that we'll be fine. And I know that my parents would really appreciate us moving in with them, especially at this juncture in their life. :) Just kidding Mom!

So all those of you who say "What's the plan?" I say, we're going to do everything that we can, have faith, and trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to. Now those of you who know me probably think that I am not writing this, due to my psychotic nature of being a worrier and planned out freak! Don't worry, I haven't lost that, but I have learned some things from the experiences I've had in the last 20 months or so and I'm trying really hard to do it right this time...we'll see if I'm up to the challenge come tomorrow, but I'm trying to have faith that I will be.

Am I ready to admit it yet?

SPOILER ALERT: This is going to be kind of a downer post, just so you know! What can I say, just call me Debbie Downer! If you really want to know, then keep reading and please don't think too little of me after reading it, because I try really hard not to complain in my life, but I finally got the courage to actually post this.

So I am now going to let you all in on a little secret, although I really don't have a lot of people reading my blog and I'm guessing that most of those who do read my blog really already know about this situation so I guess I'm not surprising anyone here. I'm trying to get pregnant. In fact, I've been trying to get pregnant for the last 16 months, obviously being unsucessful. I've tried basal temperature, ovulation predictor kits, etc., but not happening. The reason that I haven't really told anyone is because I just can't handle talking about it with people, especially if they have eight kids and get pregnant from their husband looking at them. Also, I know that people try and offer advice and they try to make it okay, they ask questions that frankly I don't want to talk to them about or they won't say anything, but just give me a look like, did it happen this month?

And of course they want to know what the doctor has said. Here's the thing: I am paying for my own health insurance right now which means that I will be paying for any fertility treatments that I have to go through p.s. they cost a lot and are can be very invasive. Also, fertility testing isn't exactly the easiest or most convenient testing around meaning that in a one month period, I will probably have to go to the doctor on a weekly sometimes biweekly basis, and have to align my visits with very specific days of my menstrual cycle i.e. the third day, the days before I ovulate, the days following ovulation, etc, which days the doctor thinks this is happening might not actually be the days they are happening. This presents a problem working full time, 45 minutes away from my doctor whose office closes at 4:30, and at a job that does not provide paid sick days, and frown upon you not coming to work saying that you are hurting your kids. Every time I have a day off at school, it happens to be a holiday, which primary care physicians here don't tend to have office hours on these days for some reason. Even if they did, I wouldn't be able to go to follow up appointments due to the whole job thing. It's a viscous cycle!

Besides the money and logistics of fertility testing that I have mentioned above, I have a really hard time admitting that things are wrong or that if things are wrong, I can't fix it myself. I think the thing that scares me the most about going to the doctor is that it won't be a quick fix like when you have bronchitis or broken arm; just take this and it will clear up, put the cast on and wait 6 weeks and it will be fine. Obviously that is not always the case with things, but that's the problem because it always has been for me. I will admit that I have lead a charmed life. I don't get sick. I can probably count on one hand the times that I have gone to the doctor because I was so sick in the last 12 years. I just don't really get sick and if I do than I am going to fix the problem, not somebody that spends 5 minutes with me and tells me to take cough syrup and I'll be fine! I could have done that without paying you dang it! I am pretty stubborn and bullheaded! I haven't had any major difficulties or struggles in life, things tend to go very well for me in whatever I try and do, as not humble as that sounds. It's been pretty easy, until now.
I don't want to sound super dramatic and woo is me here, but this has been the hardest thing that I have gone through. To sit and watch people be not pregnant, get pregnant, and have a baby all in the time that you have been trying to get pregnant. Or to have people ask you "When are you having kids?" or "Don't you want to have one too?" or "Don't wait too long!" without breaking down or wanting to smack them, is a little hard too. Or to let your friend know that you have been trying and to joke that she, who has only been married for a month, will probably get pregnant first only to have her call you a few months later and say that she is due in April. Or to check your Facebook and count how many people you know that are pregnant and end up with a double digit number.
And this on top of coming from a family of 13, knowing that my own mother obviously didn't have any fertility problems, and where one of your sister in laws get's pregnant every other month (that's right there's four of them pregnant right now, all due within a few months of each other), and being terrified to face my own family in a few weeks because I know that I am going to have to face all of these pregnant women, and all of the questions and looks from my family that don't know about this, of "Why don't you have a baby yet?" as well as from people that I grew up with asking the same questions.
And trying so hard not to feel angry when you see someone at church holding their baby or playing with their baby or talking about an eternal family. Or living in Atlanta, knowing how many people here have baby mama or baby daddy drama (if you really want me to explain this, just let me know and I can elaborate). Or listening to people on tv talk about abortion and a woman's right to choose to take the power of procreation so lightly and then say it's their right to sleep with anyone they want and not have a consequence of their action.

Like I said, a real downer post. :) Am I ready to admit it yet that I have a problem that I can't just try harder to fix? Am I going to have to finally put the charmed life away?

So anyway, the reason that I finally decided to post this. Please don't think that I do not have faith that something will happen for me to be able to have a baby, or that I haven't been praying about this or the ability to have strength to face this and to know what to do, etc. I probably should have posted about this first so that people don't think that I am just angry all of the time. I'm not and I have had amazing experiences that let me know that Heavenly Father knows what I am going through and that everything will be alright. I just needed to vent the last 16 months to help me get past it and move onto the next phase. Right, so anyway, from talking to a few people, I found out about this book Taking Charge of Your Fertility and they recommended it. I didn't really think about it, just assumed that I would get pregnant eventually, try harder, my motto. So I was at a thrift store looking for books for school and I found a copy of it for $3.00 so I got it. I read it and thought ,"Yes this is the answer to my prayers right here! I will try harder but also smarter! No doctor yet!" So I read most of the book, I am learning how to chart using Fertility Awareness Method, etc. Like I said before, I tired doing ovulation predictors, basal temperature, but I never noticed any sort of trend and especially with my temperatures, there was no pattern, they were all over the place. I just started my fist cycle of charting a few days ago and I'm noticing that my temperatures are still all over the place and not following a pattern like they are supposed to. I am trying really hard to not freak out and just to keep trying to get more information from my chart this month, because when I can learn a lot about my body from that information. But, it finally kind of hit me this morning that I might finally have to admit that there is a problem and I can't fix it myself. In writing this post, I have been crying a lot trying to just deal again and Richard just asks, "What's wrong? Is it what it always is?" meaning, are you crying about this again? And I know it kills him because he can't fix the problem either and he really doesn't know how to handle me crying besides, just hugging me and letting me cry and then letting me be by myself, which is actually exactly what he needs to do when I cry! Anyways, so there you have it. I will leave you with one last thought that I keep coming back to as I have been going through this, something that somebody said at church that has stuck with me: "I couldn't get upset because I had done everything in my power to solve the problem and now it was in the Lord's hands." So now I have to admit that I haven't done everything I could yet. I have to go to the doctor and do everything there that I can and humble myself and stop being so stubborn so that the Lord can bless me with experiences that will help me grow.