(oh lovely bed that used to bring me so much joy and comfort)In the last several weeks, well since we moved really, me and the regular sleeping...not getting along so well. Which is really strange because we live in a perfect deep, pitch black, cool and windowless room of sleeping wonderfulness (thanks again Sarah and Ryan for sharing your house!:) I mean seriously, when we lived in a hotel for two months in Bakersfield, CA, we had awesome black out curtains and I vowed that one day I would own black out curtains to make the ultimate sleeping cave!
Now this is not the first time that I have suffered from insomnia. No, my first bought with it started in 4th grade and lasted for a couple years. Then in college it returned, not happening as often, but still often enough to be annoying! While I was teaching, I would most often fall asleep 2 seconds after Richard kissed me goodnight! And while I am a night owl, this is just ridiculous!
So last night as I lay awake until around 4am, I decided that I would post what is usually going on for those hours of not sleeping! And here are the thoughts that sometimes ramble through my head:
- Why can't I sleep? I mean seriously I love it probably more than anything, possibly even my husband if we're being honest! Avalon, go to sleep, go to sleep, just fall asleep...Then again I really have nothing to do tomorrow, so what's the point?
- Seriously, why is Richard snoring so loud (not actually that loud), Oh my gosh does he have a deviated septum or something...what is the deal! (in his defense, I sound about as delicate as a warthog with my sleep breathing)
- Man, do I seriously have to go to the bathroom again?! I know that I am not drinking enough water to actually necessitate this...
- I feel that right now my life doesn't seem to have "...meaning, purpose, and direction." I mean I don't have a job, I don't have kids, I live in someone else's basement, I have no idea where I will be living in a couple of weeks, let alone a couple of months...
- Oh man, now I feel guilty for thinking that when I know every time I read those words in context, I know it's true. And I know that everything will work out...I am always blessed way more than I deserve, so why can't I just have faith that even though I don't know the plan, He does...
- I bet there are spiders that are probably crawling all over our walls right now, and dropping down from the ceiling, and if they crawl on our bed and face I don't want to know...what if they land in my hair and go under my scalp like that nasty episode of "Untold stories of the ER"!!!!
- Now I feel guilty for complaining about something so little when Sarah and Ryan have been so nice to let us live here without knowing when we will leave...
- Oh my gosh, seriously...again? Why do I have to get up and go again? I don't have to get up this often when I sleep...
- (Look at the alarm clock) Uh, if I don't fall asleep soon, then I won't sleep for three solid hours before I have to wake up and take my basal temp, and then the results will be skewed and I'll never have enough information to show the doctor, and the vicious cycle will continue on for years and years...
- I wonder if Richard would notice the huge light beam if I turned on the computer monitor and played mahjong???
- I wonder how I'll feel when Sarah and Kerry have their babies...I think about losses that I have experienced
- Man, I am going to be such a horrible, impatient, and mean mother compared to my sister-in-law...She is always so calm and loving towards her kids
- What will it be like to actually live somewhere, like for a while and knowing that I won't have to move again in like two years...maybe I could actually make friends...We could buy a house...oh man that will take away all of our money that we have saved so long, but it will be a house, oh but our savings...Maybe we could find a a really nice house for very cheap, then we wouldn't have to spend all of our money. Oh Avalon, stop being so cheap!
- I think about all of the struggles that I had with some of my old students, and how I let them down, or lost my patience everyday, and what I should have done better to try and help them
