As I reflect on all that has happened in 2010, I have to wonder if I was up to the growth? Did I take the challenges and learn from them? Did I learn what I was supposed to? Of course there are always regrets and I have plenty of experiences that I can think of where I don't feel like I became what I was supposed to. Or I rose to the occasion as I was experiencing it, but now after the fact, resort back to my old ways. So as I have thought about what I wanted to be this year, things that I want to happen this year I often wonder, "What will I go through this year?"
A good friend of ours put this idea into my head: If you are the same as you were last year, if you keep going and doing the same things you have always done, then you are not going to be strong enough for what is coming and what you'll have to face. I feel like this year, I did stretch myself in some aspects, but I'm afraid that it was not the most important things, like relationships; my relationship with my husband, my family, myself, and my God. I didn't focus on what really matters.
This year I feel like I gave into to many things. I gave into self-pitty over strength. I gave into laziness over hard work. I gave into weakness over determination. I gave into anger over self-control. I gave into fear over faith. I gave into pride over charity.
I had been milling over ideas of what I wanted to be this year, I kind of had it figured out before I even heard of the idea of picking a word. It was really my husband that gave me this word. While he may not have many emotions, he is ever the eternal optimist. He says that it is easier to live that way. I, however, continue to resort to my "realist" ( okay maybe somewhat pessimistic) attitude even after being married to this man almost 5 years. As we were jobless, and it seemed like he would never finish at school, and as we continue to struggle with this trial, even after all that I have learned, it is Richard who keeps me anchored and sane (you know besides the times that he is driving me insane). "I am not worried about it. I know it's going to happen because I have hope that it will happen. I just don't think about it. We are doing everything we can. We're going to figure it out. Don't give up, we won't ever give up. Just have hope." This is what he tells me as I lay in bed crying. This is what I try to think of as I fight the urge to crawl into a corner every three weeks and breakdown and give up.
Hope. Hope in my Savior, that he does know what I'm going through, even when others don't. Hope that I can stick with things. Hope that I am becoming what I am supposed to be. Hope that I will do the things that will strengthen me and prove to God that I can handle the trials and blessings that He gives me. Hope in promised blessings, commandments, and covenants. Hope that God knows what I need and when I need it. Hope that I can have direction in my life. Hope over fear, anguish, jealousy, and feeling defeated.
So throughout this year as I move again, as I am far away from family again, as we start our "real life" again, I will chose to have hope. As Elder Wirthlin said , "Come what may, and love it." And luckily, I live with my constant reminder.
